The First Day

I've recently started a new job - same company, different site, completely different focus. And, frankly, I'm amazed that anyone ever starts a job at all when you consider the horror of The First Day - those inexplicably cruel first 8 hours of a new job. The federal government would do well to scratch beneath the surface of unemployment and find that all those 'lazy good-for-nothings' are actually highly motivated, educated people rendered foetal by the prospect of The First Day at a new workplace.

The First Day collects every awkward and unpleasant emotion that one is capable of experiencing without wetting themselves, wraps them in a half-price suit, and presents the finished ensemble to a band of strange faces whose collective expression says plainly, "We were hoping for the pretty chick who was interviewed on Wednesday or the funny guy who we saw on Friday".

The First Day leaves for dead the discomfort of one's first day of school because certain types of behaviour have become socially unacceptable between the two events. It's no longer cool to cry uncontrollably, to run back to the car or to bury oneself under pillows in the reading corner. There's no kind hearted teacher around (don't be taken in by the welcoming grin of the HR manager) to blow your nose or to sit beside you when no-one wants to have lunch with you.

And adults can be even more cruel than school kids. Once they've formed their little cliques within an office, you can circle around the periphery until your pen spontaneously combusts - no one gives a fuck.

Why don't they care ? Because they're First Day graduates ! They've done the deed, felt the fear, scorched the demons and moved up in the line. They're not New Guy anymore, because YOU are. Now it's your sorry turn to find the toilet all by yourself.

Sure, you could always ask someone for a little early guidance and direction, but there lies a dangerous path. What if you asked The Wrong Person ? For the uninitiated, The Wrong Person within a workplace is the one who will unwittingly tar you with the brush of uncoolness. This person is broadly disliked and avoided, and usually with some justification. They may be a work-shirker, a buck-passer, an arse-kisser, or maybe they simply smell. Whatever the case, they're bad news and will drag you to the bottom of the heap faster than you can say internal transfer.

There is, of course, a beautifully mediocre solution to avoiding The First Day, and that is to skip it entirely by calling in sick and rocking up on the second day. no-one would accuse you of pulling a sickie so early in the piece; in fact, they'll probably feel compassion that you should have experienced such a shaky start to your new career (memo to self - next time I develop a DVT, make sure it coincides with The First Day). They may even take you under their wings and invite you to weekend barbecues. Many months later, you can humorously reveal over a number of drinks how you deliberately avoided The First Day and went to the movies instead. The Office Legend is born !!