Do Fish Dream ?

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Tex Tagged Me - Book Meme !

Tex (aka Mr-I-Hate-Memes)tagged me to do a freaking Meme here goes:

Here are the rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book with more than 123 pages.
2. Go to page 123 in the book.
3. Find the first 5 sentences.
4. Post the NEXT 3 sentences.
5. Tag 5 people.

Taken from the book, "Skinny Bitch" by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, Chapter 10, "Don't Be A Pussy":

If you do decide to partake in a vice item after thirty days, it cannot be out of weakness or for a lack of preparation. You should never be somewhere and just say, "Fuck It". It should be a calculated, scheduled, premeditated choice".

Not everyone enjoys Meme's as much as Tex, so I won't comply with instruction #5 :)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The First Day

I've recently started a new job - same company, different site, completely different focus. And, frankly, I'm amazed that anyone ever starts a job at all when you consider the horror of The First Day - those inexplicably cruel first 8 hours of a new job. The federal government would do well to scratch beneath the surface of unemployment and find that all those 'lazy good-for-nothings' are actually highly motivated, educated people rendered foetal by the prospect of The First Day at a new workplace.

The First Day collects every awkward and unpleasant emotion that one is capable of experiencing without wetting themselves, wraps them in a half-price suit, and presents the finished ensemble to a band of strange faces whose collective expression says plainly, "We were hoping for the pretty chick who was interviewed on Wednesday or the funny guy who we saw on Friday".

The First Day leaves for dead the discomfort of one's first day of school because certain types of behaviour have become socially unacceptable between the two events. It's no longer cool to cry uncontrollably, to run back to the car or to bury oneself under pillows in the reading corner. There's no kind hearted teacher around (don't be taken in by the welcoming grin of the HR manager) to blow your nose or to sit beside you when no-one wants to have lunch with you.

And adults can be even more cruel than school kids. Once they've formed their little cliques within an office, you can circle around the periphery until your pen spontaneously combusts - no one gives a fuck.

Why don't they care ? Because they're First Day graduates ! They've done the deed, felt the fear, scorched the demons and moved up in the line. They're not New Guy anymore, because YOU are. Now it's your sorry turn to find the toilet all by yourself.

Sure, you could always ask someone for a little early guidance and direction, but there lies a dangerous path. What if you asked The Wrong Person ? For the uninitiated, The Wrong Person within a workplace is the one who will unwittingly tar you with the brush of uncoolness. This person is broadly disliked and avoided, and usually with some justification. They may be a work-shirker, a buck-passer, an arse-kisser, or maybe they simply smell. Whatever the case, they're bad news and will drag you to the bottom of the heap faster than you can say internal transfer.

There is, of course, a beautifully mediocre solution to avoiding The First Day, and that is to skip it entirely by calling in sick and rocking up on the second day. no-one would accuse you of pulling a sickie so early in the piece; in fact, they'll probably feel compassion that you should have experienced such a shaky start to your new career (memo to self - next time I develop a DVT, make sure it coincides with The First Day). They may even take you under their wings and invite you to weekend barbecues. Many months later, you can humorously reveal over a number of drinks how you deliberately avoided The First Day and went to the movies instead. The Office Legend is born !!

Monday, February 25, 2008

Where There's Smoke .... there's Dumbness

While I'm on health matters, I feel compelled to touch briefly upon the issue of smoking. I'm sorry, but it is one of the dumbest things a person can do. Smoking claims more human lives daily than text-messaging drivers, yet no amount of rotting lung pictures will curb their ways.

The answer, for the sake of the human race, is to sack all the BMW-driving ad people paid to conjure up images of fetid body organs and instead fork out a far more mediocre sum of money to an advertising campaign that embraces the more subtle side of ordinary. Behold a new generation of cigarette-packet wake-up calls:

WARNING: Smoking produces unsightly rectangular bulges in your shirt pockets and trousers.

WARNING: Smoking outside buildings makes you a captive audience for street sellers, religious zealots and bums wanting money (for cigarettes).

WARNING: Smoking seriously limits your first impression prospects with potential bed partners - seriously kids, you are not going to get a root if your breath, clothes and hair smell like a filthy ashtray.

WARNING: Smoking makes you look like an addict. And seriously, that's about as attractive as socks with sandals.

WARNING: Smoking will hinder your career prospects, mainly because your non-smoking workmates don't actually appreciate picking up the slack caused by your frequent twenty-minute disappearing acts. Sometimes they even call you the 'fat lazy bastard downstairs again'.

WARNING: All smokers cough like old men sleeping in bus shelters.

WARNING: Smoking causes you to assume permanent awkward hand poses and finger gestures, with or without cigarettes within smoking distance, turns your fingers yellowy-brown and your nails soon resemble the texture of a gnarly horses hoof.

WARNING: You do smell bad. NO, really, you reek.

WARNING: Smoking makes you the enemy of large blokes called firemen.

WARNING: 19,000 people like you died of a smoking-related disease in this country last year. Oh, but you're different, aren't you ?

WARNING: What are we going to say at your funeral ? That you went before your time ? That your death came as a terrible shock to us all ? HA ! Bring on the "I told you so's" !!!

(Okay, I'm now standing in front of you smokers with a bloody great target on my chest, so feel free to take pot-shots back at me :) (I do a shed-load of things others would no doubt consider very dumb)

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I'm HOT !

Watch out blokes, this will be TMI for you to handle - one strictly for the girls only...After a surgical hysterectomy and oophorectomy 2 years ago as a cancer prophylactic, I was plunged overnight into instant and acute menopause. I suffered intense symptoms within 6 hours of the surgery and was prescribed HRT by the surgeon. Since this time, I have been asymptomatic and apart from the freedom experienced from an absence of menses, I have not noticed any change to my mood or my lifestyle. Well, that was until I developed a DVT a month ago and because it is a high risk factor for blood clots, my specialist stopped my HRT immediately. And, I'll never be able to take it - or any plant estrogen - again. Since going cold turkey, my menopause symptoms have returned with a vengeance and I am struggling to deal with them. I feel old, I feel useless, I feel out of control .... I feel my body has let me down. I'm only 43 and I did not bank on dealing with this stuff at my age.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Insight from the Dalai Lama Pt3: Perspective

"Every day the media reports incidents of terrorism, crime, and aggression. I have never been to a country where tragic stories of death and bloodshed did not fill the newspapers and airwaves.... But the overwhelming majority of the human race does not behave destructively; very few of the five billion people on this planet actually commit acts of violence. Most of us prefer to be as peaceful as possible"

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Insight from the Dalai Lama Pt2: Serenity

"If a person's basic state of mind is serene and calm, then it is possible for this inner peace to overwhelm a painful experience. On the other hand, if someone is suffering from depression, anxiety, or any form of emotional distress, then even if he or she happens to be enjoying physical comforts, he will not really be able to experience the happiness that those could bring"

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Please - Act Your Age Not Your Shoe Size !

Although my biological age is 43, I frequently forget 'cos in my head I'm still that funky 25year old from yesteryear (WTF ??? Who says yesteryear other than old people ??) Anyway, I get lots of frights when I see myself in the reflections of shop windows because I think, who's that ? Yikes, it's me !! So, as a result, there are those times when I'm out shopping or getting dressed to go out and I have to give pause and consider..."Am I too old to wear this top/those boots/these jeans/that groovy necklace ?" You see kids, I have a seriously morbid fear of being thought of as "Mutton-Dressed-as-Lamb" (or MDAL). Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, the MDAL phenomenon rears its seriously ugly head an older woman tries to get away dressing like she’s in her twenties - or scarily, even younger :)

Fortunately, I have a 15year old son who helps to keep me honest in this regard. No question, Zach likes his mum to look cool, but if I step over the MDAL line in the sand, he let's me know. For example, a couple of weeks ago, I was going to watch him play cricket and was dressed in jeans, boots and a Green Day t-shirt. He looked at me and said, are you going dressed like that ? I said, ummm yes. He said, the jeans look good, but I'm not so sure about the t-shirt mum, no offence..... (even though I was the one who took him to the freakin' Green Day concert :) But, no offence taken, offending t-shirt off, another found that passes the test, and we are out the door. Zach often tells me that I look good and he likes it when his friends tell him he has a groovy mum, and so when he suggests in his tactful, sensitive, diplomatic way that perhaps I've started to MDAL up a storm - I take note and take immediate action.

Perhaps I should hire him out to give advice to those MDAL victims in Sydney ?? 'Cos, over the weekend I was out shopping and a middle-aged woman walked passed me wearing uber-trendy denim jeans, stiletto heels, a breast-hugging, bling-encrusted t-shirt with the word "Princess" emblazoned in rhinestones, and hoop earrings that were large enough to shoot basketballs through. Now, I need to clarify that this woman would have easily been in her late 40s, a time in one's live when you could be viewed as a classy dame, but seriously this woman looked like a pro (and I don't mean as in athlete :) During the evening, I spied yet another similarly-aged woman who was wearing a short pleather (not even real leather - double ugh) skirt and a flimsy top that was barely containing her obviously fake, rock-hard bowling-ball tits. Her hair was so chemically damaged it looked like a haystack and her skin was so tanned by the sun that it looked like the leather from my grandfather's wallet. Although both these women were quite attractive, that's absolutely no excuse for them wearing things that could be found in the Myer Miss Shop clearance rack, Valley Girl or Supre. Girls, PLEASE don’t do this to yourself. It just makes you look so sad and pathetic that you’re holding on to something you had a long time ago. Hey, I can understand a girl's need to remain cool and hip as the years go by, but that doesn't mean you have to look desperate !

Older women can still look hot and sophisticated by wearing clothes that suits her age. There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows how to dress appropriately. Lastly, welcome your more "mature years" with open arms. Some of the classiest people still look sharp despite their age. Learn to work with what you have and don't try to hold on to your youth by dressing like a cast member for the next instalment of "High School Musical."

Monday, February 18, 2008

War Games, circa 1995

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995 between a U.S. Navy ship and British authorities off the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95:

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15degrees to the South to avoid collision.

U.S. NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY: This is the Captain of U.S. Navy Ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative, I say again, you will have to divert your course.

U.S. NAVY: This is the Captain of the Aircraft Carrier, USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15degrees North, that's 15degrees North, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.


My Goal in Life

My principal Goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am :)

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Insight from the Dalai Lama Pt1 - Inner Peace and Happiness

"As human beings, we all want to be happy and free from misery.....We have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness"

Insight from the Dalai Lama

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Finally ... Freedom from the Myth of Superwoman

Or... Why the Have-it-All Woman has decided she doesn't actually want it all.....

Yes, I admit it; I was one of those women a few years ago who bought into this myth; no, more than that, I swallowed it hook, line and sinker. Yes, the strong, feminist women who went before me told me I could have it all - naturally then I thought I could have a high paying, high profile, high stress job and seamlessly and concurrently combine it with studying for two Masters Degrees, raising a son as a single parent, ensuring that I had the house as neat as the home in pages of Home Beautiful, that my son had fresh vegies and fruit and a wholesome cooked meal every night, that I got to the gym four nights a week, to the netball court once a week and to the P&C meetings at my son's school on a regular basis. Funnily enough, my health suffered as did my relationships with family and friends....I wasn't happy with myself and I wasn't a fun person to be around.

Now, I love curling up with a good CSI-type thriller, but I used to get an enormous attack of the guilts if I read one of these novels or a trashy gossip mag instead of a text book. Yep folks, for a while there, this girl next door got a little too carried away with trying to emulate the picture-perfect lives of the Modern Day Superwomen I used to read about.

Oh,'s oh-so-fucking easy to have four kids and a stellar career, while looking immaculate, saving the world and maintaining a steamy love life with a fellow high achiever - when you've got millions of dollars and an army of assistants, nannies, chefs and personal trainers at your disposal (not naming any names.....Brangelina !)

Who was I kidding trying to do all that ? And, more importantly, why would I want to when spending hours hanging out and riding my motorbike with my husband or laughing with my son while wearing trackie daks and a holey t-shirt is infinitely more rewarding ?

So, I'm on a quest ..... a quest to give up the guilt; trying to do everything perfectly just leads to frustration and sets myself up for failure and misery. So, in 2008 I pledge to learn the lost art of delegation and saying no and to stopping doing things out of obligation. Will the world end if I buy rather than bake a cake for my son's school fete ? Does the bookcase really need dusting this very second, or would 30mins spend relaxing with one of the books be more helpful ?

Rather than running around like a headless chook, I'm going to start to take a good hard look at what truly needs to be done today.....then I'm going to do those things the best way I can - but I won't panic if the results are not 100% - and I am going to make time for myself. If I'm happy, then Tex and Zach and others around me will be happy, too.

How Dumb Are We ?

Recently, a survey by people who care found out what we've known for far too long. (insert country of choice:) are a stupid, stupid people.

54% were able to accurately state how long it takes the Earth to revolve around the sun (One Year)

45% Said Lasers work by focusing sound waves (Light waves, kids, it's what the "L" stands for.)

And it just got better from there.

So the question becomes, in terms of scientific knowledge, How Dumb Are We? Let's find out. Take this scientific test and see just how dumb you really are.

As for me.....You got 8 right. Impressive. Most impressive. Now bark like a dog.

They Just Didn't Think it Through....

I'm afraid the Jesus Junkies just didn't think this one through.....

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Valentine's Day - Hallmark Hype or Consummate Romanticism ?

"If music be the food of love, play on" - Shakespeare

It’s Valentine's Day next week; the consummate day of love and romance, when lovers across the world celebrate with blood red roses, chocolate hearts, jewellery, cuddly stuffed animals and candlelit dinners for two..... nauseating, isn't it ?!

Though many couples and singles do something special to mark the occasion, almost as many on both sides of the relationship aisle confess to loathing the sugary day of romance and the stress, depression, guilt and disappointment that bubble to the surface when it arrives, maddeningly, year after year.

So, Bloggers, are you one of those people who complain that it's a commercialised holiday created by De Beers, greeting card companies and florists (but ends up buying a box of chocolate hearts for your mate anyway ‘cos you don’t want the hassle not buying a gift will get you …. or is this a sure path to sex ??) Or, do you sincerely, and genuinely, get all doe-eyed and outlay some of your hard-earned on chocolates, flowers, lingerie, diamonds, and stuffed teddy bears in order to demonstrate your love and affection for your partner (or partner wanna-be) ?

Or do you hate it? Do you detest it with a virulent passion ? Do you feel nauseated at the thought of the sappy qualities that characterize 14th Feb ? Are you a bah-humbug, Valentine’s Day scrooge who despises what you say is the corny, forced sentimentalism of a contrived, overly commercialised day ?

Personally, I Valentine’s Day is one of the most annoying and cliché days of the year, seducing people into thinking the way to someone’s heart is through material things. Perhaps that's because I am fortunate enough to be married to a man who not only tells me he loves me, but shows me in countless ways every day that he loves me. (But - and this pains me greatly to admit - I would be a complete liar if I didn't confess that a tiny part of me feels quite envious of those girls who get enormous bouquets of roses delivered to their offices each Feb 14th !)

What about you Bloggers - do you or don't you get with the Valentine's Day Program ??

Monday, February 4, 2008

**HEALTH WARNING** Stay Away From Doctor Google

I know, I know, I shouldn't have consulted him - but he's got such a wealth of experience and knowledge at his fingertips,err, well my fingertips and....well.....the bloody local Doctors all seem to have conflicting advice regarding the treatment of my Deep Vein Thrombosis; my case in point:

1. Keep your leg elevated to help with the swelling - but make sure you exercise your limb to prevent further problems; I mean WTF ?? Do I keep still, or move my arse ?

2. Exercise within your pain threshold, but remember, there is a small risk of the clot breaking up and causing a pulmonary embolism if you "over do it" ... define OverDO it you morons....and how do you know that my pain threshold will not cause further damage because I'm tough and it's too high, or fuck things up because I'm a bloody great sook ?

3. Make sure you don't change your diet, eat healthily, but for fucks sake don't eat broccoli, spinach, olive oil, soya products etc.. 'cos they'll mess with your warfarin levels, give a false reading and you could be under/over anti-coagulated and that's very dangerous, life threatening even. Great news for a tofu-eating, broccoli loving chick ... not !

Woohoo ! No, great, that's fabulous news fuck off with your contradictory advice, I'm off to consult Dr Google; thanks all the same.

Oops, waaaaay BAD IDEA kids - Dr Google is just lurking to seriously mess with your heads and banish all hopes of sleep (even those freaking measly 5hours you normally get - gone) you may have harboured for tonight. Let's see...

DVT - let's start with the fucker that started all this nonsense, shall we: A pulmonary embolism (PE) happens when a piece of the blood clot from a DVT breaks off and travels through the bloodstream to the lungs. In the lungs it can block a pulmonary artery. This can cause chest pain, shortness of breath or coughing up phlegm tinged with blood. In severe cases it can be fatal. PE can happen hours or even days after the DVT has formed. DVT treatment significantly lowers the risk of this complication, but does not eradicate it completely. = Yay, even with a diagnosis and treatment started, I'm not out of the woods ! Memo to self...put 000 (911 for you others) in my speed dial

Heparin Injections - stabbing those suckers into my stomach twice a day, every day - Watch for these common reactions: change in skin colour or pain around the injection site; fever; chills; runny nose; watering eyes; nausea and vomiting; headache; itchy soles of the feet; osteoporosis; collection of blood
under skin; irregular heart beat; muscular weakness, fatigue and tingling of the hands, feet or tongue; unusual hair loss. = Awesome, I'm going to be fucking bald

Warfarin Tablets - 5mg once a day: Get medical help if you have any of these signs - hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat; skin changes or discoloration anywhere on your body; purple toes or fingers; pain in your stomach, back, or sides; low fever, loss of appetite, dark urine, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes); diarrhoea, fever, chills, body aches, flu symptoms; easy bruising or bleeding that will not stop; blood in your urine; black, bloody, or tarry stools; nosebleeds, bleeding gums, coughing up blood; feeling weak or light-headed; sudden headache, confusion, problems with vision, speech, or balance; sudden leg or foot pain; or sudden numbness or weakness, especially on one side of the body; nausea, vomiting, stomach pain; gas and bloating; or hair loss ..... = Fan-Fucking-Tastic I'm going to be FUCKING BALD.

So, clearly even if I live to Blog another day (and we now know that's not a safe bet), I am going to be bald ... and as other women will know, being a bald chick is SO NOT COOL :)

My advice = stay the hell away from this Quack punters.....he's unlicensed and clearly not qualified to hang his shingle anywhere in the real world .... Real Doctors are bad enough, but this bloke is pure Frankenstein evil :)

Sunday, February 3, 2008

How Much Is Your Blog Worth ?

Hmmmm, it's back to work on Monday for me .... apparently my blog is only worth a measly $ 6209.94 !

Even allowing for the USD -v- AUD differential, I'm still a pauper :)

My blog is worth $6,209.94.
How much is your blog worth?

It's a bit hard to read, but click on the box above and see how much your blog is worth :)

Friday, February 1, 2008

I am Woman, hear me snore !

Seriously people, I am, wait I am beyond tired and way beyond being pissed off. This latest health "issue" of mine has well and truly kicked me in the arse and I'm over it. I'm in pain and I'm miserable and you bet I'm wallowing at my own private Pity-Party. I'm over trying so bloody hard to live up to (my own mostly) expectations about working, about living, and about eating a more healthy diet (readers of this blog may recollect my no-wheat, no-sugar, no-flour, no-taste eating plan which I've stuck rigidly to for the past 59 days) - for months and months now I've been exercising right and eating right and living right and smiling right and being so damned "good" and look where it's bloody well got me....and so I've been doing some thinking....

Statistically, women are physically healthier specimens than men. Women live longer, and generally when they look like they might be 8 months pregnant, it IS a baby and not a weekly slab of beer. Ironically though, it's the pressure that women put on themselves to look healthier (read: thinner) that sees them fall behind men in the mental health stakes. Women are bloody hopeless slaves to the glossy whims of magazines, forever comparing themselves to airbrushed ideals and pampered celebrities. They fear ordinary and drive themselves to madness in their quest to change every single aspect of that which nature dished up. Men look at George Clooney or Brad Pitt, shrug and order pizza and beer.

Interestingly, many of the so-called beautiful people who women idolise in their quests to change everything about themselves are no happier than your average housewife. In fact, some are downright depressed, disturbed, and damaged by the omnipresent pressure to look good, live well, and eat rarely. Why else is Claudia Schiffer thin enough to disappear when she turns sideways? Why is Cindy Crawford wracked by reports of her husbands cheating? Why do Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell get so nervous around airport sniffer dogs? It seems likely the only uber-gorgeous celebrities who seem genuinely happy have had their smiles painted on by the InStyle Airbrushing Department. Perhaps if female celebrities themselves revolted against the pressure to be ever thinner and younger, the average ordinary woman would follow suit.

Did you know that the latest international figures have revealed that a staggering 82% of working mums (like there is any other kind) survive on less than five hours sleep per night? About 40% would be classified as depressed if, Prozac willing, they had the time to get to the Doctor to be diagnosed. While good make-up does much to hide the modern working-mum's dazed and confused look, the fact remains that most of them are stumbling about from family crisis to committee meeting on little more than a cup of strong coffee and a sloppy 6am kiss from a three year old. That they command 4WD vehicles in supermarket carparks is frankly terrifying.

Men simply don't let themselves get as rundown as and exhausted as women do. Wisely, they allow themselves to concentrate on one thing at a time and consequently (usually) do that one thing rather well. They relax without letting themselves feel guilty about it. They don't trouble themselves about remembering family birthdays and key events. They don't worry about neglecting friends. They trust that women will do enough worrying about the state of their relationship for both of them. They watch entire TV shows all the way through. They sleep for eight hours a night.

Women would do well to follow men's lead (or lack thereof) in this area. They should ignore the ghosts of pioneering feminists baying at their heels. For all that bra-burning achieved, the reality is that modern women have gone and whipped themselves into vicious circles of exhaustion, the high price of which is exacted in their health, their self-esteem and their relationships.

Women need to stop this madness. They need to listen to men when they say, remote in hand "Sit down already. The footy's about to start”! They need to change all the rules of this crazy game called daily life. They need to scream: "I am Woman! Hear me snore! I can't keep running anymore" !! to bed now - phone off the hook, ceiling fan on, ipod on soothing tunes selection....ahhhhhhh - oh fuck !! I completely forgot - Zach has a cricket game at 0800h tomorrow at an oval some 45mins drive from here - quickly start snoring, you only have a few hours to sleep, shit, where are his cricket whites, have they been washed, what about his new boots, will they give him blisters, remember to take bandaids, bloody hell, get some sleep, the alarm will be going off if you don't fucking go to sleep, shit what is that noise, oh hell, the cat's stuck in my wardrobe again, fuck, have they been fed ... Fuuuuuuck !! I forgot to give Banjo his antibiotics tonight, oh hell, I hope his eye doesn't get re-infected now...oh what is that noise, shit it's the bloody shower dripping, gotta get a new washer for the tap...breathe, breathe, Fucking Hell - now what ? I'm not sure I locked the front door.... bloody hell Tex, where are you ???????? Come home soon pleeeeease !!!!!!