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Do Fish Dream ?

Friday, January 4, 2008

Sex and your Teenager

My 15 year old son, Zach, and I have a great relationship; in between the ages of 1 (when his father and I divorced) and 9 (when I met and married Tex), I was a single mum (Zach is my only child) and as a result, he and I developed a very close bond. Zach has always been able to talk to me about anything, and I mean anything. Over the years, my work has meant that I have lived a great distance from my family, and so Zach and I have spent thousands of hours cooped up together in a car on interstate road trips. The conversations that deal with inherently personal stuff have usually occurred during these trips, where there is just he and I, but where the fact that I am the driver means that I can't look at him !

It usually goes something like this: Zach asks a question: "How to women masturbate if they don't have a penis ?" Me: (thinks frantically, be cool, it's ok, just give him the facts, keep the conversation going, don't be embarrassed or he will stop communicating), "well Zach, it's like this......[and I explain]

Countless questions have occurred over the years (aside from the doozy above), from the predictable, "Why did you and Dad get a divorce", (answer "because he wanted to have lots of other girlfriends as well as Mum") to the mundane, "Why is my face full of pimples", ("it's just hormones mate") to the "Why do I feel angry sometimes for no reason" ("ditto the hormones"), the "What is it with girls??". We've discussed his relationship with his girlfriend (who he's been with for almost 18months; a lovely age-appropriate relationship - holding hands, kisses, phone calls) We've also had the safe sex/condom/STD/unwanted pregnancy discussions, which have always concluded with, I'm not even interested Mum, but when I am, I'll tell you.

Which brings me to the post topic. Driving to the airport earlier this week, I knew he was working up to one of his "questions", and we batted back and forth, skirting the issue for a while, until he came up with "it"; it went something like:

Zach: "Sarah and I have been discussing sex and when we think it would be the right time. We both think we are too young now; we could deal with the physical side of it, but I don't think we are ready for the emotional issues that come with having sex. We both discussed that we think our relationship is special and that we want the first time to be really special too. We think that we'll wait until we are 16, and take it slow."

Me: "I'm really impressed that you've both had the maturity to discuss the matter so honestly and openly and that you've spoken with me about it. I'm really glad to hear that you have determined to wait at least a year, and that you have considered the emotional side of things as well as the physicality. I'm so very proud of the young man you've become and the respect you are showing for Sarah and yourself".

Yep, all sounds cool; I'm being totally cool on the surface, but inside my guts are churning. Partly because my little boy is growing up, but I was never really going to be ready for that ! But, more so because I'm not sure whether to just leave it at this, or....I don't know. At what age are kids having sex these days ? At what point do parents intervene and at what point do they back off ? Part of me is confident that Zach will come to me again if he is thinking of taking the next step, but the other part is concerned that he may not and, well, he's too bloody young.

And also, when they say they want to plan the first time so it's "special" at 16, where do they go ? My house - yikes NO ! Her home - not likely. But it needs to safe - bloody hell, I'm rambling a bit now and getting way ahead of myself, but how do you parents feel about your kids (not adult kids, but kid kids) sleeping together in your home ? Zach often has friends, including his girlfriend, stay over, but when it's time for sleep, it's off to separate rooms.

I accept that this may just be me exhibiting the "Smother-Mother" gene that my father thinks I have, and a major over-reaction to a perfectly normal situation; but if any of you amazing, been-there-and-done-that parents out there have any sage wisdom to offer me, I would be hugely grateful to hear your thoughts.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm not there yet but when i am, I hope I am as cool about it as you are with your son. That is one special relationship you have there.

Chelsea + Shiloh said...

Ditto with J, I once asked him why he was so candid with me...after 100's of teenage dramas, both he and friends...he said 'cause you never panic mum' when I said 'you do realise I was screaming on the inside' he couldnt believe it..often i was thinking just breathe abbey breathe...

Sex? ... J didnt have long term relationships, till he was in yr 12 or had just left... About 15 i put condoms in his drawer, and told him i had...every now and then i would put new ones in, without telling him... about 2 times driving him to party, I stopped at servo and grabbed them, along with breath mints..lol..the 3rd time i stopped and told him to go in get them himself...

He didnt have girls stay over as he has a little sister and i didnt think that was appropriate..hes been with his current girl since 18..he had to stay here between flats and waited till i went to 'sleep' ...but he had the squeakiest bed in the house...now that was a noise i never wanted to hear...lol...

I think your doing fine...just dont panic, and if your like me make the rules as you go...

My nephew can have girls over (16yrs) but at bed time its seperate rooms, as my brother says he has a responsibility to the girl & her parents. I kinda agree with that one..and I think my nephew likes the boundary as the decision (which hes not really ready for) is out of his hands...

i don't think at all your being a smother mother...and when it is just the two of you,for so long any decisions either makes, can effect the other... ..the communication is open and honest... and at a level I didnt experience with my own parents..

Hope this makes sense love...good topic, cause be it one parent or two, we all deal with it...

I laughed at the masturbation one...J's question in that discussion, was there any chance that you would do it to fast and it detatch in your hand...god i struggled in not laughing

Joe said...

When I was about 9 or so I was reading Dear Ann (the advice columnist) and I asked my parents in front of eveyone, "Mom, what's masturbation?" I thought my mom was going to die of embarassment. She pulled me aside and told me, but I still didn't get it.

I guess I'm lucky. My son didn't tell me anything, but his mom laid the law down and he had protection and we had no "surprises."

I was close with my mom at that age, with a similar background. ( she married my now dad when I was 7) But, I never told her when I started having sex. But, I think they figured it out when they came home early one day and we were getting out of the shower. They didn't say a word.

Anonymous said...

As a mother of 6 boys I have been there-done that a few times.

Your being so open with your son is wonderful.I am the same way with mine.

Most parents tell their children not to have sex until they are married blah blah blah.You know good and well that you can tell them not to have sex until you are blue in the face but once the mood strikes they could care less about what their parents have told them.

So the best thing to do is let them know about birth control and even provide them with it. Again,some parents are against this because they look at it as they are giving their kids permission to have sex.Not so,they are protecting the health and future of their children. At least that is how I feel about it.

Good luck to you.Sounds like you are a great mother and have your son heading down the right path.

VAMP said...

Wow, you cracked me up with the masturbation "talk"....oh boy.

Great that you can keep those lines of communication open, bravo.

My oldest is only 12 and a girl, but we keep the lines open too.

Poodles said...

I only have dogs, so the worst I have to worry about is Bear trying to ride his stuffed ball while Kenny holds it... :)

gemmak said...

Wow...what an amazing relationship and what an amazing son you have nurtured. I'm no help whatsoever, I don't have kids but I can't imagine that either of you will mess it up with the level of communication you have :o)

Tex's Missus said...

Thanks so much to you all for your supportive, encouraging and positive advice and feedback. I have calmed down a bit now, thanks. There's no rule book when it comes to kids is there, so it's a case of making things up as you go along. I guess we all just do the best job we can and try and instill sound values in our kids - then just sit back and hope they make good choices.

Thanks again - you really helped.

Silvia said...

Mother of a 27 year old girl here!! My relationship with my Daughter has always been very close and very open for much the smae reason as yours and I have always tryed to be her friend as well as her Mother. I decided right from the start that when the time would come I would not want her first time to be in the back of a car or something so I told her that if she had a Boyfriend she could bring him to stay and they could sleep in same bed providing she was of age obviously! And, without going into gory details, it all worked out pretty well and I am extreemly proud of my Daughter

Bettie K. said...

Amazing. Not only have your raised an outstanding young man, but one that differentiate the difference between "hearing" and "listening". I hope that you do take the time to marvel in what you and Tex have done for him.

Nature Girl said...

My sons are 18 and 15...I got a call from a girls mother when my oldest was 15 and that's when I started to suspect. I've tried very hard to keep the lines open as you have with your son because my mother never did with me. I was preached at and talked to but never included in the discussion or listened to. I was a teen mom. I dont' know if things would have been different if my mom had been different, but I think they would have. We married when my husband was 17 and I was 19, and we just celebrated our 19th anniversary. I think you have a wonderful relationship with your son, but I soooo would have been freaking out on the inside if it had been me despite how cool I try to play it when my boys do ask questions. It's very rare that they ever do. I envy your relationship with your son, I wish you had been around as a role model for me back when I was growing up.

I still don't know (but highly doubt) that my youngest boy is having sex..I hope not, but when I try to talk to him, I'm shut out completely.

Stacie

Nature Girl said...

My sons are 18 and 15...I got a call from a girls mother when my oldest was 15 and that's when I started to suspect. I've tried very hard to keep the lines open as you have with your son because my mother never did with me. I was preached at and talked to but never included in the discussion or listened to. I was a teen mom. I dont' know if things would have been different if my mom had been different, but I think they would have. We married when my husband was 17 and I was 19, and we just celebrated our 19th anniversary. I think you have a wonderful relationship with your son, but I soooo would have been freaking out on the inside if it had been me despite how cool I try to play it when my boys do ask questions. It's very rare that they ever do. I envy your relationship with your son, I wish you had been around as a role model for me back when I was growing up.

I still don't know (but highly doubt) that my youngest boy is having sex..I hope not, but when I try to talk to him, I'm shut out completely.

Stacie

Tex's Missus said...

Thanks so much Silvia, Sarah and Stacie (try saying that really fast 10 times!) You are all such amazing mums and it means a lot that you took the time to leave such insightful feedback. I think we are all doing ok and that our kids will turn out just fine. Woohoo for all of us :)