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Saturday, January 26, 2008

How to Fake It (a Good Work Ethic) !


In the spirit of further exploring the path to mediocrity at work, here are some tips to help fake a good work ethic:

Keyword: Reports - get some of these. There's bound to be old ones in a filing cabinet somewhere. Toss several across your desk in a can't-contain-the-madness kind of way, including one right in front of you with a highlighter pen resting on top. Highlight purposefully whenever supervisors are hovering. Meanwhile, is too much Minesweeper ever enough ?

Tell your mother to call you whenever she has something to report about the neighbours. Tell her in advance not to worry when you answer your calls with, "Barry, you're killin' me with these margins" and "Hey, I never signed off on that !"

Try to pass out each night with your face planted in a hessian pillow. It creates permanent weight-of-the-world furrows in your brow :)

Occasionally it's a good idea to arrive at work early, but there's little point if no-one knows about it. Be sure to send a number of emails to your staff or your supervisor the minute you walk in the door. If you are stuck for something to write, try mentioning that the security guy for the building doesn't appear to arrive to start work until 0630h.

Turn up at least 30 minutes late for after-work drinks. This shows you must be really busy while also ensuring the first shout isn't yours.

Develop a code system for your post-it notes. Write "Haircut Friday" as "cross reference cost flow data 09/716" and "Remember Mum's birthday" as "Don't forget, stat's review Monday - full system back-up ! Delta Force 101 !!"

Request a new ergonomically designed mouse for your computer on the basis that the old one is giving you RSI. Behold the mountains of paperwork headed your way from the HR, OH&S and Tech Support departments. You'll also have to get medical officers reports to justify your request. The entire process should take you about four months and while it won't exactly be fun, it sure isn't productive enough to be anything like hard work.

Move into Middle Management.....


"I have long been of the opinion if work were such a splendid thing, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves"

Bruce Grocott (1940- )

35 comments:

Bettie K. said...

I was famous for "piles" of paper and the highlighter myself. Nothing says success like a multi-colored document.

You need to write your own version of Mediocrity for Dummies...it would sell, I guarantee it!

Chelsea + Shiloh said...

If I ever go outside for a break, I grap a heap of 'scrap' paper from the photocopier as I whiz past, then as I come back inside, I 'file' it in the group pigeon hole, or walk past the boss's office mumbling...'do we have enough forms in this place' ...and if someone calls me, I wave paper and say 'Not now!' ...

middle management, now theres a cack, after 5 yrs we're still not exactly sure what one of ours does, although often at staff meeting to table a report, they will say..blah blah bla..behind in that this month, accompanied by alot of paper shuffling...

Is it mediocrity though, alot of thought, time and skill go into dodging...If one becomes first class at it, are they any longer entitled to the moniker of mediocre...

I will ponder that next time as I'm nodding on the phone, going uhuh..and listening to the dial tone

Unknown said...

When I was a suit I would always leave a pile of filing in one of my trays - it looks like I have either a lot of work to do, or (depending on the circumstance) that I have done a lot of work. The trick is to know EXACTLY what is in the pile and where it is so a) you look efficient when someone asks for a specific document and b) you never actually have to file it.

Beware, if the pile gets much over a foot high, it is in danger of slipping should someone else dare to search for a document, in which case there is the unavoidable prompting to get rid of it (eeeck... filing). I would personally recommend about 27 cm at most if they are loose papers.

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