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Do Fish Dream ?

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Becoming Emotionally Honest


We wear a mask that grins and lies
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes
This debt we pay to human guile
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile


(Taken from a poem by Paul Lawrence Dunbar (1872-1906)


Co-dependence .... Hmmm, I've got some issues around this. But, I think a big part of getting it sorted is to continue to work on emotional honesty. Emotional honesty means expressing your true feelings. I don't always find it easy to express my emotions. Like me, I'm sure many of you have picked up the idea that some of our feelings are not acceptable and should be shut away. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and an emotionally unavailable mother and feelings were simply not articulated, let alone dealt with in an authentic manner. Ergo, I grew up with some really maladjusted ways of coping with my problems; mostly simply denying they existed and that I was always "just perfect, thanks, just fine, yep, I'm ok".

But the problem with trying to deny our feelings is that they don’t really go away but continue to work on us from inside. Take it from one who knows, these unexpressed feelings can be a source of great suffering, sometimes much greater than the physical effects of illness. On the other hand, getting those feelings out in the open can be a great relief. Simply by acknowledging your feelings and then expressing them, you are better able to deal with them. Sometimes just talking will make a big difference; other times more specialised help may be required. But the bottom line is, you can’t deal with your emotions if they are bottled up inside.

If we are more emotionally honest with ourselves we will get to know our "true selves" on a deeper level. This may help us become more self-accepting and it could also helps us make better choices about how to spend our time and who to spend it with. If we are emotionally honest with others, it may encourage them to be more emotionally honest with us. When we are emotionally honest we are more likely not to be asked or pressured to do things which we do not want to do and will stop doing those things we do, out of "obligation" (which we invariably resent afterwards). We will also find out sooner who respects our feelings and who is worthy of spending our time with.

Scary stuff, putting yourself 'out there'; of course you risk being hurt, rejected, ridiculed, ignored, humiliated. But, I think the potential rewards make it worth it :)

14 comments:

Sean Wright said...

You are being very reflective aren't you.

I agree with what you say, of course agreeing is easy than actually doing isn't it.

Tex's Missus said...

Hi Sean,
Hmmm, yep I was - but I've just given myself a big kick in the arse and am in the process of getting over myself !

AND, I resolve to make the next post as frivilous as bloody possible :)

Watergurl said...

I'm honest around 60% of the time. Comments are made and I think "I should say this...etc etc" but actually being honest all the time is hard work and it can also be nit picky as hell. I don't think its necessary to voice my version of honesty all the time. Balance is my issue, not letting too much of me be subverted or compromised. I have been a complete Judas a couple ot times in my life.....not looking for a repeat performance, but I've never planned these faux pas :)Doing ok at the mo, but tomorrow is another kettle of fish. No guarantees :)

Silvia said...

I learned one thing...being emotionaly honest with yourself and others you end up getting battered and hurt 99.5% of the time....yet...I have also learned not let that stop me.Caus sooner or later hidding your emotions will lead to one big 'bang' which potentionaly could end you up in a place of no return...I speak from experience...and the 'Happy pills' are no substitute....lolol

VAMP said...

I had the dad who was an air force pilot, hardly ever home and the mother who abandoned me when my parents divorced when I was 8. Then a step mother from HELL who beat me on a semi regular basis.

My birth mother has been trying to get back in my good graces since she's all alone (her husband died a couple of years ago, and subsequently lost all their friends, because they were HIS friends, crap now I've rambled on).

Anyway, when I've seen her in the past recently, I'm constantly angry, because I've stuffed those feeling down for 40 years. So I can't deal with her, because I never dealt with those primal emotions. Thanks goodness that anger doesn't come out anywhere else, like with my own children.

I don't like to be pegged as an emotional person, but the life I've lead in the past has dictated it.

So I agree, we've been raised to "put on a happy face", but geez, sometimes I want to cry in my soup, and that's ok too. It's healthy. It's just bad if it's EVERYDAY!

Bettie K. said...

I think I over compensate by being too emotionally out there. I tend to suffocate people by always anticipating their needs. The one thing I consistently do is tell my kids I love them...I never heard those words a lot growing up. I know actions speak louder than words, but "I love you" is powerful when you are a child.

It all comes down to balance...and I'm still striving for that.

Jill said...

I often dismiss my honest feelings with a flip of the hand - "I'm fine, really." After reading what you said it has me thinking about my childhood too.

However, I find when its too much after months of keeping it all inside I explode, which can't be healthy.

Great read. :)

Unknown said...

I so hear you Miss TM.

I remember the first time I yelled at John ... and the world didn't end, the roof didn't cave in, we said our bits and got on with things. It was the first time I had ever been so obviously angry. I was 24 and it was an incredible revelation - anger was almost a sin while I was growing up - the only real acceptable way of expressing it was demonstrated by my parents who went for weeks without speaking - but *never* yelling.

I still have a big problem with confronting those who have injured me in some way (real or imagined) but there has a big improvement in me being emotionally honest and the journey continues :-)

Really appreciate the post.

Chelsea + Shiloh said...

Oh my twin..for whatever childhood reasons we have, holding emotions in can be incredibly destructive...

My coping mechanism was a persona of needing no one, it only hit me when I had breast cancer scare (and believe me I'd convinced myself of death) that i realised I had no one to confide in....I had g/f's to tell but that would of blown my cover of strength and independance...I've learnt through Miss K, to be more physically demonstrative...

One of the first lesson one learns with addiction, is to be fearlessly honest with ones self..but oh that can be hard to look at you 'flaws' and own them.

In your last sentence you talk of risks involved but with any new skill you practice it around people who are 'safe' ... it can be heady stuff to say 'I feel this' when you have spent your life denying/blocking that, especially if you arent rejected nor belittle for your views....

Its all about being the 'me' we want to be, and who we have a right to be..

good post my love

Lance said...

Great post, very reflective! Maybe we can exchange links!
Blessings,
Lance
www.lancessoulsearching.com
jgargus2@comcast.net

Indigo-Daisy said...

Loved the post! I too came from a family where we repressed our feelings and lived in the pretense that everything was wonderful even if you were dying on the inside. It wasn't until I met my husband that I truly learned to open up and not hold back. That meant for a lot of confrontation in the first years of marriage, however it lead to a very healthy and honest relationship. What has really helped me over the years was learning to be truly honest with myself. Thanks for such a thought provoking post. :)
-Deborah

Tex's Missus said...

Hi Deborah and welcome. Thanks for stopping by and for your lovely comments. The relationship with your husband is an enviable one and one that most couples would aspire to emulate. Becoming and then maintaining emotionally honest is not easy but as you suggest, the rewards are well worth it :) I'll pop over to your Blog after work tonight. cheers !

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