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Do Fish Dream ?

Saturday, March 29, 2008

A Quick Word On....."The Talk"



Every child at some point should be made to endure "The Talk": those few carefully chosen sentences we use to explain to our offspring where they came from and what brand of absurdity is happening to their developing bodies. Modern parenting commentators like to suggest that The Talk, done carefully and honestly, can in fact prove a rewarding experience for parent and child. This is so not true. The Talk will go badly for you, just as it did for countless thousands before you.

You will not bond with your child, nor will you impart anything greater than mutual embarrassment and disgust. Not only will you be forced to describe an activity that, minus dimmed lighting and a 'come hither' expression, must sound an awful lot like a fairly misguided game of "Twister"; you will also leave your children with little doubt that you engaged in this bizarre ritual on at least one occasion in the past.

Far preferable to The Talk, is the "Here, Read This" method of sexual education, in which a sufficiently ambiguous cartoon picture is worth a thousand words. This approach lets just enough information fall through the cracks so that no teenager could possibly approach sex with any sense of confidence or haste.

This was certainly the rationale favoured by my parents' generation. Not wanting to stumble over terms that sound like obscure casserole ingredients, mums like mine instead handed over Where Did I Come From ?and instructed us to go forth and read.

There is nothing wrong with this approach. Although I did initially fear it was my parents' way of telling me I was adopted, I quickly came to realise that this was in fact the evidence I needed to prove that they had once liked each other.

Whatever your chosen medium, whatever your timing and whichever pathetic excuse you choose to introduce this unnaturally earnest trans-generational conversation to your offspring, simply remember that it pays to approach The Talk much like The Act itself: minimal build-up, ambiguous penetration, zero follow-up and fleeting satisfaction. Any questions ??

(image from: thecreatorspalette)

14 comments:

Sarah said...

Uh yes, I have a question....where do babies come from?

And why does the penis look like a mushroom and why does the vagina sort of resemble roast beef?

And what is that tingling sensation called every time I see Colin Farel?

reVAMPed said...

I've had "the talk" with my oldest (just turned 13) when she was 11-12. It was all "ewwww" to her. Now my baby who's 10, I can't seem to get my head around having "the talk" with her yet. Maybe I'll wait till she's 30. heehee

reVAMPed said...

I thought the vagina looked like an orchid?

And a penis looked like tweeky from Buck Rogers? Okay, I'm showing my age now....

Joe said...

Though I'm sure my mom gave me the talk, I don't remember it. The baby mama gave my son the talk awfully early in life and I don't have to do it with the step daughter. Whew!

And, why is a penis so funny looking while the vagina looks like a sculpture? The vagina fits in with the lines of a woman while the penis just sort of sticks out there.

Abbey said...

My mum gave me an oragami book with pictures of puppies and chicks..we went to mother daughter talks at the school...

Havnt had the talk with Bella but explaining pap smears this week was enough to get a Yuk out of her

Tracey said...

Hehehehehe, I used to pretend I WAS adopted. My parents NEVER did THAT! Until the day I saw the birth certificate...

Mountaingirl said...

I remember "The Talk" very well - Mum was ironing and was obviously extremely uncomfortable. The script was "Some day soon your going to have your period. Don't worry about it, it is just your womb cleaning itself out".

Yes that was it from beginning to end - I didn't know what a period was, I didn't know I had a vagina, let alone it looked like roast beef, and orchid or a sculpture! I knew boys had a penis because my baby brother had one. But that wasn't relevant - after all I was a girl!

Sigh ....

tina FCD said...

You guys crack me up!

pita-woman said...

I can't really say as my mother ever had "the talk" with me. She tried to bring it up a couple of times, but as I never liked having any kind of conversation with her (then or now really), I refused to sit and engage in that conversation. I dare say, most of what I learned as a youth I learned from books or my older friends.

pita-woman said...

ps, just remembered a funny incident from childhood, thought I'd share...
Ya know those rubber washers that fit into a sink-faucet or the female end of a gardenhose? I had it in my head as a child they were called rubbers. So as I got older & some of the older girls said the guy had to wear a rubber to keep from getting you preggers, I imagined him slipping one of those rubber washers over his penis.
Of course as I got yet a little older and realized how far off base I was, I was mortified.
Can you imagine though???

random moments said...

See, I can't relate to this one. We were never give "The Talk", ever. I stayed a good girl until the age of 21 which was by far better than most girls. So maybe not having the talk can be just as good and well, less embarrassing for both parties? ;)

kyles said...

"....the evidence I needed to prove that they had once liked each other..." oh i love it! i so had that experience as well, my parents had separated by the time they both tried to give me the talk (about 12 months too late of course..lol..) origami book abbey...hhhmmmm....have to see that one!

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Miss Milk said...

Ha ha. My parents completely evaded that "talk" by letting my nana read "Where Did I Come From?" to me regularly from about the day I was born. I never needed to wonder. :)