Parenthood - It's Not All Beer and Skittles

But, parenting does come with its bonuses. For a start, there is that amazing period of unconditional love that immediately precedes a baby's discovery that nipples come in plastic varieties too. There's the day that your child wins his or her first grand final in their chosen team sport - on of the best big-heart moments you'll ever feel. And, there's the day they painstakingly select for you the best nursing home available for the price.

But, it's not all beer and skittles folks. Without nobbling the Federal Government's earnest push that having several children is something other than a long and tedious journey of mundane and thankless self-sacrifice that no amount of cheap lavender body lotion on Mother's Day could ever be worth, it's only right that I set you punters straight. In answer to a recent weekend newspaper article trumpeting the "Eight Surprising Ways That Kids Make You Healthy", here is the mediocre low-down"

You will laugh more: Actually, this is quite true. Parenthood often does make you laugh uproariously and often. Unfortunately, it's usually an inopportune moments, like in the middle of a job interview when the prospective employer mentions that your position entails a lot of overtime and would that be a problem for you ? NO, of course not. I mean ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, HA, HAAA, HAAAAAAA !!!

You'll get the best workout: Also true to a degree. Certainly, in between chasing your arse, running out of excuses, skipping over the rude bits in a video, springing for other people's kids at McDonald's and jumping to conclusions (My lipstick is missing: I bet the lounge room is sporting a new mural), you could become one of the most active people you know.

Your love will grow stronger: Naturally. In the absence of sex, one tends to focus on the finer points of love, like waving to each other across the dinner table and buying milk and bread on the way home without prompting.

Kids enrich your life: The subtext here is that kids introduce honesty, perspective and fun into a previously shallow life. Hmmm, sleeping in uninterrupted, lazy mornings in bed, going out til all hours in the morning, spontaneously deciding to take a trip down the coast, eating toast for dinner instead of cooking vegetables - yep, sounds heavenly ... um, I mean shallow...

Kids give your purpose: Whether that comes before or after they give you headlice, I can't be sure, but no doubt it's worth waiting for.

Mothers have a decreased risk of breast cancer: Apparently, if a woman has a child between the ages of twenty and thirty, her risk of breast cancer is halved. Could this be because her breasts are only half as big after weaning ?

You will eat better: Well, yes. Through the responsibility of parenting, you will learn to cook more vegetables. You will also learn to dispose of them quite efficiently at the end of each mealtime, and you will learn that kids, like adults, love a good pizza.

Kids make you super-cool: How this translates to being happier and healthier I'm not sure, but I have to admit that only through having a child did I learn that Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Jessica Simpson are actually three different people, and that fashion wise, ground-in dirt is the new black. All of which should prove very handy one day when I least expect it.

(Of course folks, this has just been a bit of fun in response to the nonsense of the article. It annoys me when people suggest that being a parent is all sunshine and light. It has been at once, the easiest and the most difficult thing I have ever done. My life has been, and continues to be, full of unexpected delights because I am a mum to Zach. Yes there have been lots of difficult times but there has never, ever been a time that I questioned my decision to become a parent of one. Of all the things I have ever done in my life, and no doubt of all the things still do do, raising my son is my single most important acheivment and infinitely the most rewarding - I love you Zach) xx