Tex Tagged Me - Book Meme !

Tex (aka Mr-I-Hate-Memes)tagged me to do a freaking Meme today....so here goes:

Here are the rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book with more than 123 pages.
2. Go to page 123 in the book.
3. Find the first 5 sentences.
4. Post the NEXT 3 sentences.
5. Tag 5 people.

Taken from the book, "Skinny Bitch" by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, Chapter 10, "Don't Be A Pussy":

If you do decide to partake in a vice item after thirty days, it cannot be out of weakness or for a lack of preparation. You should never be somewhere and just say, "Fuck It". It should be a calculated, scheduled, premeditated choice".


Not everyone enjoys Meme's as much as Tex, so I won't comply with instruction #5 :)

The First Day

I've recently started a new job - same company, different site, completely different focus. And, frankly, I'm amazed that anyone ever starts a job at all when you consider the horror of The First Day - those inexplicably cruel first 8 hours of a new job. The federal government would do well to scratch beneath the surface of unemployment and find that all those 'lazy good-for-nothings' are actually highly motivated, educated people rendered foetal by the prospect of The First Day at a new workplace.

The First Day collects every awkward and unpleasant emotion that one is capable of experiencing without wetting themselves, wraps them in a half-price suit, and presents the finished ensemble to a band of strange faces whose collective expression says plainly, "We were hoping for the pretty chick who was interviewed on Wednesday or the funny guy who we saw on Friday".

The First Day leaves for dead the discomfort of one's first day of school because certain types of behaviour have become socially unacceptable between the two events. It's no longer cool to cry uncontrollably, to run back to the car or to bury oneself under pillows in the reading corner. There's no kind hearted teacher around (don't be taken in by the welcoming grin of the HR manager) to blow your nose or to sit beside you when no-one wants to have lunch with you.

And adults can be even more cruel than school kids. Once they've formed their little cliques within an office, you can circle around the periphery until your pen spontaneously combusts - no one gives a fuck.

Why don't they care ? Because they're First Day graduates ! They've done the deed, felt the fear, scorched the demons and moved up in the line. They're not New Guy anymore, because YOU are. Now it's your sorry turn to find the toilet all by yourself.

Sure, you could always ask someone for a little early guidance and direction, but there lies a dangerous path. What if you asked The Wrong Person ? For the uninitiated, The Wrong Person within a workplace is the one who will unwittingly tar you with the brush of uncoolness. This person is broadly disliked and avoided, and usually with some justification. They may be a work-shirker, a buck-passer, an arse-kisser, or maybe they simply smell. Whatever the case, they're bad news and will drag you to the bottom of the heap faster than you can say internal transfer.

There is, of course, a beautifully mediocre solution to avoiding The First Day, and that is to skip it entirely by calling in sick and rocking up on the second day. no-one would accuse you of pulling a sickie so early in the piece; in fact, they'll probably feel compassion that you should have experienced such a shaky start to your new career (memo to self - next time I develop a DVT, make sure it coincides with The First Day). They may even take you under their wings and invite you to weekend barbecues. Many months later, you can humorously reveal over a number of drinks how you deliberately avoided The First Day and went to the movies instead. The Office Legend is born !!

Where There's Smoke .... there's Dumbness

While I'm on health matters, I feel compelled to touch briefly upon the issue of smoking. I'm sorry, but it is one of the dumbest things a person can do. Smoking claims more human lives daily than text-messaging drivers, yet no amount of rotting lung pictures will curb their ways.

The answer, for the sake of the human race, is to sack all the BMW-driving ad people paid to conjure up images of fetid body organs and instead fork out a far more mediocre sum of money to an advertising campaign that embraces the more subtle side of ordinary. Behold a new generation of cigarette-packet wake-up calls:

WARNING: Smoking produces unsightly rectangular bulges in your shirt pockets and trousers.

WARNING: Smoking outside buildings makes you a captive audience for street sellers, religious zealots and bums wanting money (for cigarettes).

WARNING: Smoking seriously limits your first impression prospects with potential bed partners - seriously kids, you are not going to get a root if your breath, clothes and hair smell like a filthy ashtray.

WARNING: Smoking makes you look like an addict. And seriously, that's about as attractive as socks with sandals.

WARNING: Smoking will hinder your career prospects, mainly because your non-smoking workmates don't actually appreciate picking up the slack caused by your frequent twenty-minute disappearing acts. Sometimes they even call you the 'fat lazy bastard downstairs again'.

WARNING: All smokers cough like old men sleeping in bus shelters.

WARNING: Smoking causes you to assume permanent awkward hand poses and finger gestures, with or without cigarettes within smoking distance, turns your fingers yellowy-brown and your nails soon resemble the texture of a gnarly horses hoof.

WARNING: You do smell bad. NO, really, you reek.

WARNING: Smoking makes you the enemy of large blokes called firemen.

WARNING: 19,000 people like you died of a smoking-related disease in this country last year. Oh, but you're different, aren't you ?

WARNING: What are we going to say at your funeral ? That you went before your time ? That your death came as a terrible shock to us all ? HA ! Bring on the "I told you so's" !!!

(Okay, I'm now standing in front of you smokers with a bloody great target on my chest, so feel free to take pot-shots back at me :) (I do a shed-load of things others would no doubt consider very dumb)

I'm HOT !

Watch out blokes, this will be TMI for you to handle - one strictly for the girls only...After a surgical hysterectomy and oophorectomy 2 years ago as a cancer prophylactic, I was plunged overnight into instant and acute menopause. I suffered intense symptoms within 6 hours of the surgery and was prescribed HRT by the surgeon. Since this time, I have been asymptomatic and apart from the freedom experienced from an absence of menses, I have not noticed any change to my mood or my lifestyle. Well, that was until I developed a DVT a month ago and because it is a high risk factor for blood clots, my specialist stopped my HRT immediately. And, I'll never be able to take it - or any plant estrogen - again. Since going cold turkey, my menopause symptoms have returned with a vengeance and I am struggling to deal with them. I feel old, I feel useless, I feel out of control .... I feel my body has let me down. I'm only 43 and I did not bank on dealing with this stuff at my age.

Insight from the Dalai Lama Pt3: Perspective

"Every day the media reports incidents of terrorism, crime, and aggression. I have never been to a country where tragic stories of death and bloodshed did not fill the newspapers and airwaves.... But the overwhelming majority of the human race does not behave destructively; very few of the five billion people on this planet actually commit acts of violence. Most of us prefer to be as peaceful as possible"

Insight from the Dalai Lama Pt2: Serenity

"If a person's basic state of mind is serene and calm, then it is possible for this inner peace to overwhelm a painful experience. On the other hand, if someone is suffering from depression, anxiety, or any form of emotional distress, then even if he or she happens to be enjoying physical comforts, he will not really be able to experience the happiness that those could bring"

Please - Act Your Age Not Your Shoe Size !

Although my biological age is 43, I frequently forget 'cos in my head I'm still that funky 25year old from yesteryear (WTF ??? Who says yesteryear other than old people ??) Anyway, I get lots of frights when I see myself in the reflections of shop windows because I think, who's that ? Yikes, it's me !! So, as a result, there are those times when I'm out shopping or getting dressed to go out and I have to give pause and consider..."Am I too old to wear this top/those boots/these jeans/that groovy necklace ?" You see kids, I have a seriously morbid fear of being thought of as "Mutton-Dressed-as-Lamb" (or MDAL). Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, the MDAL phenomenon rears its seriously ugly head an older woman tries to get away dressing like she’s in her twenties - or scarily, even younger :)

Fortunately, I have a 15year old son who helps to keep me honest in this regard. No question, Zach likes his mum to look cool, but if I step over the MDAL line in the sand, he let's me know. For example, a couple of weeks ago, I was going to watch him play cricket and was dressed in jeans, boots and a Green Day t-shirt. He looked at me and said, are you going dressed like that ? I said, ummm yes. He said, the jeans look good, but I'm not so sure about the t-shirt mum, no offence..... (even though I was the one who took him to the freakin' Green Day concert :) But, no offence taken, offending t-shirt off, another found that passes the test, and we are out the door. Zach often tells me that I look good and he likes it when his friends tell him he has a groovy mum, and so when he suggests in his tactful, sensitive, diplomatic way that perhaps I've started to MDAL up a storm - I take note and take immediate action.

Perhaps I should hire him out to give advice to those MDAL victims in Sydney ?? 'Cos, over the weekend I was out shopping and a middle-aged woman walked passed me wearing uber-trendy denim jeans, stiletto heels, a breast-hugging, bling-encrusted t-shirt with the word "Princess" emblazoned in rhinestones, and hoop earrings that were large enough to shoot basketballs through. Now, I need to clarify that this woman would have easily been in her late 40s, a time in one's live when you could be viewed as a classy dame, but seriously this woman looked like a pro (and I don't mean as in athlete :) During the evening, I spied yet another similarly-aged woman who was wearing a short pleather (not even real leather - double ugh) skirt and a flimsy top that was barely containing her obviously fake, rock-hard bowling-ball tits. Her hair was so chemically damaged it looked like a haystack and her skin was so tanned by the sun that it looked like the leather from my grandfather's wallet. Although both these women were quite attractive, that's absolutely no excuse for them wearing things that could be found in the Myer Miss Shop clearance rack, Valley Girl or Supre. Girls, PLEASE don’t do this to yourself. It just makes you look so sad and pathetic that you’re holding on to something you had a long time ago. Hey, I can understand a girl's need to remain cool and hip as the years go by, but that doesn't mean you have to look desperate !

Older women can still look hot and sophisticated by wearing clothes that suits her age. There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows how to dress appropriately. Lastly, welcome your more "mature years" with open arms. Some of the classiest people still look sharp despite their age. Learn to work with what you have and don't try to hold on to your youth by dressing like a cast member for the next instalment of "High School Musical."

War Games, circa 1995

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995 between a U.S. Navy ship and British authorities off the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95:

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15degrees to the South to avoid collision.

U.S. NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY: This is the Captain of U.S. Navy Ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative, I say again, you will have to divert your course.

U.S. NAVY: This is the Captain of the Aircraft Carrier, USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15degrees North, that's 15degrees North, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

BRITISH: WE ARE A LIGHTHOUSE. FUCK OFF !

My Goal in Life

My principal Goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am :)

Insight from the Dalai Lama Pt1 - Inner Peace and Happiness

"As human beings, we all want to be happy and free from misery.....We have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness"

Insight from the Dalai Lama